Cricket Gaffs, Sledges and Bloopers

Caution: This page does contain abbreviated profanities and sexual references. It is not suitable for viewing by children.

Like all sporting commentators around the world those who preside over the cricket media microphones are known for their often ridiculous statements and bloopers. From the downright ridiculous to the absolute hilarious, you will find some of the best cricket bloopers on this page. We also list some of the classic cricket player sledges, but be warned, some do use rather “colourful” lingo. If you come across any we don’t have listed here, send them to us and we will publish them.


1st Test, Day 1, Aust v Nzl at the Gabba, 2001

During the opening session of the match with the Aussies batting and no wicket for 50 runs, former Aussie wicket-keeper Ian Healy, makes a damning assessment of the situation for New Zealand.

Ian Healy: "The signs are all bad for New Zealand, but it’s not irretrievable."

C’mon Ian! We know the Aussies are good, but I’m not sure they were in the dominant position this early. Pity it rained, we might have seen a Kiwi win!

3rd Test, Day 3, Aust v Nzl at the WACA, 2001

Between overs whilst discussing the cracks in the pitch with fellow commentator Mark Taylor, the ever lovable Richie Benaud causes concern for players safety with the following statement.

Richie Benaud: "A few cracks starting to appear on the pitch. We’ve seen a lot of cracks here at the WACA in the last few years, some at least 10-12 centimetres wide."

Boy! Now we know what happened to all the Aussie cricketers we have seen come and go over the years, they fell into the cracks!


Classic Sledges

Below you will some of the classic all time sledges that have been used by players on cricket fields across the globe. Some clever and some just downright disgusting with language you might hear in a bar room somewhere, but all are well documented and alleged to have occurred during matches.


Rod Marsh & Ian Botham

When Botham took guard in an Ashes match, Marsh welcomed him to the
wicket with the immortal words: "So how's your wife & my kids?"

Daryll Cullinan & Shane Warne

As Cullinan was on his way to the wicket, Warne told him he had been
waiting 2 years for another chance to humiliate him. "Looks like you spent it eating," Cullinan retorted.

Glenn McGrath & Eddo Brandes

After Brandes played & missed at a McGrath delivery, the Aussie bowler politely enquired:

"Oi, Brandes, why are you so fat?"

"Cos every time I f**k your wife she gives me a biscuit," Brandes replied.

Robin Smith & Merv Hughes

During 1989 Lords Test Hughes said to Smith after he played & missed: "You can't f**king bat".

Smith to Hughes after he smacked him to the boundary: "Hey Merv, we make a fine pair. I can't f**king bat & you can't f**king bowl."

Merv Hughes & Javed Miandad

During 1991 Adelaide Test, Javed called Merv a fat bus conductor.

A few balls latter Merv dismissed Javed: "Tickets please", Merv called out as he ran past the departing batsman.

Merv Hughes & Viv Richards

During a test match in the West Indies, Hughes didn't say a word to Viv, but continued to stare at him after deliveries. "This is my island, my culture. Don't you be staring at me. In my culture we just bowl."

Merv didn't reply, but after he dismissed him he announced to the batsman: "In my culture we just say f**k off."

Ricky Ponting & Shaun Pollock

After going past the outside edge with a couple of deliveries, Pollock told Ponting: "It's red, round & weighs about 5 ounces."

Unfortunately for Pollock, the next ball was hammered out of the ground. Ponting to Pollock: "you know what it looks like, now go find it."

Ian Healy

And of course you can't forget Ian Healy's legendary comment which was picked up by the Channel Nine microphones when Arjuna Ranatunga called for a runner on a particularly hot night during a one dayer in Sydney... "You don't get a runner for being an overweight, unfit, fat c**t!!!"

Mark Waugh

Can't remember the player or the exact details but went something like Mark Waugh standing at second slip, the new player to the crease playing & missing the first ball. Mark - "Ohh, I remember you from a couple years ago in Australia. You were sh*t then; you're f**king useless now".

Kiwi Player to Mark Waugh

Kiwi - (Turning around) - "Yeah, that's me & when I was there you were going out with that old, ugly sl*t & now I hear you've married her. You dumb c**t".

The above classic sledges were taken from an original post by a member titled “Sensational Sledging” in the Abc of Cricket forum.


The 12th Man - Billy Birmingham
More cricket laughs and wacky goings on than you can poke a stump at. Billys’ take off of the legendary “Mr Benno” (Richie Benaud) is the best there is by a long hop. Bill Lawry comes in for extra special treatment.


The Ashes Cricket Series. Australia v England - Bodyline and Sir Don Bradman



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